


Crushed

by spookyjackolantern



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crushes, Demisexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-06-04 23:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6680113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyjackolantern/pseuds/spookyjackolantern
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam had only had three crushes in his life. <br/>The first was a soft-spoken girl named Jess he'd known basically since birth. They fell in love quickly and smoothly, smiling into each kiss.<br/>The second was a hot-headed girl named Ruby who loved too hard and was quick to snap. They never properly dated, but they had all the gravity and purpose of lovers when they were together. Ruby chewed him up and spit him out. She left him gasping for breath, and not in a good way.</p><p>And the third was an unsuspecting boy named Gabriel with a heart of gold, one that very distinctly wanted different things than Sam's own fragile heart...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crushed

They were sitting in a tent in Sam's backyard, playing truth or dare. It was absurd, high school upperclassmen playing truth or dare. No one ever picked dare, and coming up with a good truth was much harder after you eliminated the simple yet ever popular "who's your crush?" option. But it was 1am, and alcohol was burning warm in their stomachs. They were a month away from graduation, so what did it matter? They were just being silly.

"Gabriel!" Balthazar yelled, pointing at Gabriel, who was sitting very close to Sam, across the circle they'd formed around the dim lantern.

"Yep?" Gabriel asked nonchalantly.

"Truth or dare?" Balthazar demanded.

Gabriel considered it a moment. "Dare!" he shouted, finally.

Balthazar smiled like he'd been waiting for the opportunity. "Alright. I dare you to kiss Sam." 

Excitement flared up in Sam's stomach. Poor Sam had had a hopeless crush on the kid for a few months now. They'd been friends since kindergarten, but Gabriel moved away once they got to 6th grade. Now he was back for his junior year (Sam's senior year, he'd skipped freshman year and went straight to sophomore year (smart ass)) and Sam had developed a major crush on him quickly and nonsensically. He doubted Gabriel was into guys; he'd had a girlfriend for nearly 5 months now, and they seemed very much in love. But Gabriel flirted with Sam almost nonstop, which was a new development in him that either wasn't existent before or Sam didn't notice it, which was very possible, considering Sam's sexuality. 

Sam was demisexual. Well, technically he was demi/bi, with his new and exciting discovery that he's also attracted to boys, but he didn't really like labeling it. He'd never had a crush on a boy until he ran into Gabriel again, and their friendship rekindled. They weren't best friends, but Sam had enough daily interaction with Gabriel to make his crush on him hopeless and everlasting. Sam was helpless. He couldn't talk about it with any of his friends without coming out to them, which he wasn't comfortable doing, and there was no way his affections for Gabriel would ever be reciprocated in the way he needed. And considering his sexuality, he didn't always get crushes (almost never, in fact), but when he did, they hit him hard. Like a freight train. He couldn't stop thinking about Gabriel, and it was ruining his grades, as well as his social life, not to mention his sleep schedule. He felt like he was in space and someone had pulled his helmet off. A helpless state of panic. A fever he couldn't sweat out.

"That is, if Sam gives consent, of course," Balthazar teased. Everyone jeered and laughed, waking Sam from his moment of panicked excitement.

Sam nodded eagerly, then chided himself. But Gabriel only seemed amused at his enthusiasm, smirking as he nudged Sam's cheek until he was facing him. The same hand ran along Sam's jawline and into his hair beneath his ear, cupping the side of Sam's neck as they leaned in for a kiss. Sam sucked in a nervous breath. Gabriel's lips were so soft and warm, moving against his. They fit perfectly together.

But as soon as it had come, Gabriel pulled away. It was only one kiss. One sweet, fleeting kiss. Sam blinked as Gabriel pulled away, like he had something caught in his eye. The warm feeling in his stomach kept blazing. He could still taste Gabriel on his lips.

"Your turn, Gabriel!" Castiel said. "Truth or dare someone!"

Gabriel smirked deviously again, as was his default. "Hmm," he mused, fake pondering his choices. "Sam," he said, his voice low and smooth. "Truth or dare?"

Steeling himself, Sam sucked in another sharp breath and said, "Dare," with more confidence than he'd ever mustered in his entire life.

Gabriel grinned this time, with teeth and all. "I dare you to make out with me," he said. And Sam's warm fuzzy feeling from before flared up tenfold.

"Okay," Sam mumbled quietly, his tongue thick and heavy from the alcohol.

"Wait," Gabriel said, stopping Sam as he began to lean in. "Let's give these people a show," he said, picking himself up to swing a leg over Sam's lap so that he was straddling him. Sam was speechless, but he wasn't nervous. He was just excited. He was fairly certain Gabriel could feel the boner he was attempting to suppress, but he was grateful that he didn't mention it (and seemed to enjoy it), and also that his sitting on it hid it from everyone else. How embarrassing.

Normally Sam would have been wigging out. But he was so comfortable around Gabriel, he didn't care how many people saw them getting hot and heavy on the floor of a dirty tent in his backyard at 1am. There was only him and Gabriel. The rest of the world could be burning when he was with Gabriel, and he wouldn't have a clue or a care.

Gabriel took Sam's face in his hands, and Sam found his own hands wandering to Gabriel's hips, and under the junior's t-shirt. Gabriel tilted Sam's head back, gently tugging at the hair at the base of Sam's skull until his neck was exposed and his face was level with Gabriel's. Gabriel ran a thumb along Sam's bottom lip, his mouth lulling open. And Gabriel took advantage of it, bringing his mouth down on Sam's, and the moment of static anticipation was broken. Sam came alive, feeling and kissing and breathing in Gabriel. They were a tangle of limbs and the clashing of teeth. They were warm, sloppy, drunk, 1am kisses. They were so perfect they couldn't hear anything but each other, the heaving breaths, the banging hearts, the rustle of fabric as Sam's hands continued up Gabriel's back.

It was incredibly real, so incredibly real. Sam could feel Gabriel's heart beat against his chest. It was too good to be true, really. Gabriel's tongue was down Sam's throat when Sam burst awake.

 

He was lying in his bed, cold and alone. He glanced at the clock blinking 5:45am on his bedside table. He pulled his comforter up to his ears and groaned. Another day slave to his crush. Another day without Gabriel the way he needed him. 

There were days Sam thought there was no possible way Gabriel couldn't feel what he was feeling. When they had spent all day together with their friend group and the whole time the two of them gravitated toward each other, elbows brushing. Those days were the best. Sometimes Gabriel would cuddle up to Sam too, if he was lucky. Sam had been too nervous to make his own advances so far. But Gabriel would kiss his cheek or his forehead, and sometimes hold his hand. 

There was one time over the summer when they were all hanging out in Gabriel's pool. They were all sitting on the hot cement, eating snacks and drinking lemonade. Gabriel had leaned back against Sam's exposed chest, warm skin against skin, Sam's legs on either side of him. And he'd run his hand along Sam's bare thigh. Sam didn't want that day to end. He could have stayed there forever, holding Gabriel against him, pretending they were together.

But then there were days like today. When Sam woke up to a cold, empty bed and the blunt truth of the situation. Gabriel had a girlfriend. He didn't even seem like he liked Sam sometimes. And there was so much distance between where their relationship was currently in actuality and where Sam wanted them to be that it was more than laughable. Sam lusted after Gabriel with all the helpless tunnel-vision of an 8th grade girl lusting after her favorite celebrity. He was romanticizing Gabriel and he knew it. But he just kept falling more and more in love with the kid. God, he was stupid.

Sam groaned as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and into the cold air. He wondered if Gabriel thought about him at all, not the way Sam thought about Gabriel, but just in general. Surely Sam crossed his mind from time to time. they were friends, after all. He wondered what sort of things Gabriel thought about him. He chastised himself for getting so caught up in his fantasies.

There was no use waiting around for Gabriel. He was happily in a relationship, a heterosexual one from what Sam could tell. Sure, Gabriel flirted with Sam pretty much nonstop. But that didn't mean anything. It was never acted on. Sam sighed low and long, blowing the hair off his forehead. He was always getting ahead of himself with these things. There was always more in his head than what was actually happening. He had such a big imagination, which was dangerous. He was always imagining mutual feelings that weren't actually there. He only ever ended up sad and alone when he did things like this. It was becoming a problem.

"Sammy?" Dean growled, poking his head into Sam's dark room. "You up?"

"Yeah," Sam grunted.

"Good," Dean replied. "Get up so I can drive you to school."

Groaning, Sam leaned back on his bed again. "Close the door behind you, please," he called as Dean left him to get ready.

Sam wasn't eager to go to school. But he picked himself up and dressed anyway. There were other things to worry about, like his calculus test, and the deadline for his AP Art submissions. He needed to forget Gabriel for now, and just get through the school day. He could continue wallowing and daydreaming and repeating when he got home.


	2. Jealous

There was something about Gabriel that drew Sam in. He couldn't quite place his finger on it. All he knew to understand it as was opposites attracting. Sam was so unlike Gabriel it wasn't funny. Sam was an introvert. He preferred the company of books to the company of people. He spent his time studying or writing shitty poetry while his peers were off getting drunk and partying. There was nothing wrong with the ladder, Sam just didn't like doing that for himself. Being around his distant peers (a term he'd coined for the people he'd gone to school with since kindergarten but didn't know, or even like) made him incredibly anxious. People in general made him anxious, both social and physical interaction as well. But Gabriel couldn't have been more of the opposite. Gabriel was a screaming extrovert. He was friends with everyone he came in contact with. The guy was like a golden retriever, a ray of sunshine, always happy, always both radiating and attracting light and happiness. Sam vaguely remembered that about him from their childhood, but it didn't seem so glaringly obvious then. It was before Sam became an anxiety-ridden teenager.

Anyway, Sam had this habit of falling for people like Gabriel in that way. He fell for the people that loved everyone. The people who welcomed everyone, who were friendly and warm. The people who talked to you as if they'd known you for years the very first time you met them. The people who were easy to make friends with. Sam craved that attention, the easy flow from friends to good friends, nothing before and nothing in between. It was easy for him to like people like that. He wanted the attention of people who commanded too much of it. He fell for the people that loved everyone, but they always seemed to love someone else more than they loved Sam.

 

Sam was a tall person. He had a long stride, and walked faster than most people, especially to class. Most of his classes were out of the way of each other, so he normally had to book it. Despite his stature, he was good at weaving around people in the hallways - at the very least public school had taught him that.

He was on his way to anatomy, an easy stroll from the art room. He was almost always the first one there, and sometimes he'd hang back because Gabriel walked by there on his way to class too. Today, Sam had forgotten his homework in his locker, which was on the other side of the school. He could totally make it, but he needed to be fast.

Sam made it all the way to his locker and retrieved his things. He was on his way to anatomy, less than half way there with a minute to spare. He would have made it too. But he spotted Gabriel walking with his girlfriend in front of him and he stopped short.

He was so focused, so determined. But seeing them, his heart died in his chest. He had been having a good day. He had dressed nice, he got an A on his math test. He had barely thought about Gabriel all day. It was a Friday for God's sake! And now this. All the pep in his step fell away. Sam slowed down and evened his step so that he wouldn't pass them. It would just be awkward if he did. He would be late to class, but his teacher was usually late too, so it didn't matter.

Gabriel had his arm around her waist. She was leaning into him, and they were holding everybody up. They were strolling, whispering to each other, and taking up the entire hallway. Sam's stomach turned. They pulled to the side next to the door of Sam's next class and started kissing. Sam blustered past them as the bell rang, threw open the door and took his seat.

For the most part, Sam could ignore the couples shoving their tongues down each others throats in the hallway. It didn't really bother him. He was a fast walker, and it never reminded him how alone he was. He was fine on his own. He liked his space, and he didn't particularly like physical interaction, and especially not PDA. Sam was never jealous of these couples. He never thought they were rude or obnoxious. Sure, there was a time and a place, and maybe they made him a tad uncomfortable, but he was a fast walker, and he never felt bad about himself when he saw them so ~in love~ or whatever. Sam didn't really think about those things, not until this crush with Gabriel bloomed in him.

It was hard to describe. It entirely had to do with being demisexual. For the longest time he'd be fine. He'd go about his days, weeks, months, years with nothing. No attraction. He had minimal intruding sexual thoughts, none ever about anyone in particular. They were always nameless, faceless strangers, future love interest in Sam's fantasies. But it was never more than fleeting, and never triggered by anything in particular. He'd almost never act on it; masturbating didn't excite him as much as it was supposed to excite a teenage boy. There just wasn't much appeal to him. It took a lot to excite him, and even then it was short lived and a sub-par experience at best. And it wasn't like Sam wasn't satisfied with his less than impressive sex drive, not that wanting to have sex with anything that breathed was impressive. He just didn't know what all the hype was about. Sex literally seemed like an over-hyped book to him. He was supposed to be excited to read it, like everyone else. But he got 20 pages into it, and the writing wasn't very good, and the character's motive were all off. Sam wasn't the type to give up on a book, though. He'd read it cover to cover, because it was a book, and he loved reading, not because he particularly enjoyed the story. It was fine, he guessed. It was an alright book, there was just too much hype, and he'd already read four or five books just like it. It was nothing special.

It was like Sam had an on/off switch. He wouldn't feel much of anything at all for the longest time. But as soon as Sam had a crush (on anyone, not just Gabriel) that switch flicked ON. That was one book he'd read over and over and over again, if he had the chance. Gabriel was still the only one who could properly turn him on as of late, but now he saw himself with Gabriel in those couples in the hallway, he wished it was the two of them. And he finally understood what everyone was so angry about all the time.

That should be Sam in Gabriel's arms! It should be Sam kissing him and running his fingers through his hair! Couldn't Gabriel see they were meant for each other!?

Of course he couldn't. He couldn't see anything past his girlfriend. He was *whipped* after all, according to Cas. Gabriel had his head so far up her ass he could see out her nostrils.

Sam had to remind himself that this was all in his head. The fictional "friendzone" was the demisexual community's kryptonite, and Sam was in the "friendzone" for sure. DEEP. But he had no right to feel that way. He had no right to assume Gabriel would like him back. He didn't even know if Gabriel was into guys. Though it was a pretty douchey thing for Gabriel to do, leading Sam on. The guy flirted with Sam nonstop. But that shouldn't mean anything either. Sam's confusion might have been Gabriel's fault, but he couldn't know what he was doing to Sam. Sam was helpless when it came to Gabriel, but only Sam knew it. If you studied the two of them long enough, you'd probably pick up on how Sam came running the second Gabriel wanted anything pretty quickly. It was pretty obvious. But it seemed to fly right under Gabriel's radar. Sam felt like he was screaming his head off in a sound proof room. He was banging on the glass, but Gabriel only had eyes for his girlfriend.

It was less like Romeo and Juliet and more like Tina Beltcher and Jimmy Pesto Jr. though Sam definitely felt like he would fake death, then actually kill himself for Gabriel if he asked him to. They weren't held apart, Gabriel was holding Sam at arm's length all on his own. Sam watched Gabriel clean his father's Italian restaurant across the street, and Gabriel had no idea. Sam lusted after Gabriel's butt as he danced and Gabriel only saw Sam as a friend. Sam was ready but Gabriel was clueless, all within the metaphor, of course.

Sam was angry with himself. He should be happy for them. Because Gabriel was happy. And didn't Sam want that? Didn't he want Gabriel to be happy? Of course he did. More accurately, he wanted Gabriel to be happy with him, but we don't always get what we want, do we?


	3. Moving

Sam remembered both days Gabriel moved in. He lived across the street from Sam, in a small modern house with a 1 car garrage with a basket ball hoop and backboard hanging over it like a prized kill, a mirror image of Sam's. 

The first day was in the summer before kindergarten. Sam and Dean sat cross legged on the front porch, all scraped knees and touseled hair, eating popsicles in the summer heat as they watched the moving trucks being unloaded. They'd gotten to the joke on their popsicle sticks by the time Gabriel's parents' car pulled into the driveway. 

"What can you steal and not get in... trouble?" Sam read off his popsicle, with a bit of trouble and a lof of uncertainty. He was still only beginning to learn to read.

"What?" Dean asked.

"2nd base."

"Ha, that one wasn't bad."

"I don't understand," Sam said.

"Like, baseball, Sammy," Dean said. "Remember when we went to that River Sharks game? And we saw that guy steal 2nd?"

"Oh," Sam said. "What's yours say?"

"Why did the policeman arrest the baseball player?" Dean asked.

"Why?"

Dean squinted at his popsicle. "Wait a minute... Really?"

"What does it say?"

"For stealing 2nd base. Didn't these popsicles come in the same package?"

Gabriel and his parents got out of their car then, stretching their legs and admiring their new house. Sam and Dean spotted Gabriel and their eyes lit up. A new kid. New kids were like a new pair of shoes, you had to break them in. Every kid in the neighborhood would want a chance to give Gabriel initiation. But Gabriel wasn't gullable. He was young, sure. But he wasn't gullable. And with Sam at his side, no one dared mess with him. If you messed with Sam, you messed with Dean, and the only kids who weren't afraid of Dean Winchester were the middle and high schoolers. 

"Look Dean!" Sam practically shouted. "A new kid! And he's right across the street! We get dibs!"

Dean squinted at the new kid, a short, chubby little boy with golden blonde hair and golden eyes to match. He looked soft and innocent, like freshly fallen snow, or a blank sheet of paper. Looking back, Sam was glad all the trouble the kids in the neighborhood put him through only softened him in a different way.

"He looks like a kindergartener," Dean said. "I bet you'll be great friends, Sammy."

And Dean was right.

 

The second day Gabriel moved in had less glamour. It was another hot summer day, the August before Sam's senior year, a year early (smart ass). Sam had already applied early decision to Stanford, he was just waiting to hear back from them. Sam watched the moving trucks alone from the front window. The world seemed duller, the summer less vibrant, a symptom of growing up. The moving trucks weren't fun to watch anymore, it was just something new in the same old neighborhood. Sam wasn't sure who was moving into the house until he saw the car pull up.

He wasn't sure how to react, watching not one, but two cars pull into the driveway. Gabriel stepped out of one with his mother, his father the other. It was like seeing a ghost; Sam didn't know whether to be excited or confused or scared, and he wasn't sure if it was actually happening or not. It wasn't like a dream or a nightmare, it was something other. 

Sam thought running to greet Gabriel as if nothing had happened wasn't a very good idea. After 5 years of lost connection, Sam felt like he couldn't just assume they'd click as they used to. He was wrong, though. He'd learn that eventually. It wasn't until they spoke face to face again that Sam had his revelation.

"Gabriel's back," Sam said, as Dean passed him.

"What?"

"Look."

Dean looked over Sam's shoulder. "We should go welcome them home," Dean said. Sam followed him out the door into the summer heat.

There was a moment of awkwardness with his parents, in which they marveled at how much Sam and Dean had grown since they last saw them. Sam always hated that. "You've grown so much! Last time I saw you you were this big!" "Yes, that is how time works..."

It was the moment of truth. When they'd see each other again after 5 years, and Sam would just know. If there were such a thing as love at first sight, especially for a demisexual person, this was it. Does love at first sight count if it isn't reciprocated?

"Hey! Sammy boy! How have you been?" Gabriel asked. He went for a handshake, but when Sam took his hand, Gabriel pulled him into a bear hug.

It happened quickly. The moment those golden eyes fixed Sam's, heat rose to Sam's cheeks and it took everything he had to repress his attraction to Gabriel. "I've been good. It's been too long," Sam said awkwardly. "How have you been?"

"Alright. Better now that I live across the street from you again," Gabriel hummed, winking up at Sam. Gabriel was still well within Sam's personal bubble, but Sam wasn't bothered by it. He was actually enjoying Gabriel's slight advances, if they could even be called that.

 

Sam rememebered the day Gabriel left, too, though he tried to repress the memory. It was a rainy April day in Sam and Gabe's 6th grade year. They were rounding on 13 years old, and Gabriel was Sam's only real friend, the only person he could trust, not that anyone dared to mess with Sam, and, by extention, Dean. Sam and Gabe told each other everything, or it felt like they did.

There's nothing more heartbreaking than an empty childhood home. On the last night, Gabriel was supposed to sleep with his parents in the hotel room they'd gotten. But Gabriel couldn't bare the thought of his last night in town being in some strange bed. 

He and Sam decided to camp out in the empty house. Normally, they made forts out of sheets and blankets, shoving chairs against walls, closing things in closet doors, anything they could manage. But there was nothing to help structure their fort. They ended up sharing an airmatress. They didn't sleep a wink. They stayed up all night under their covers with a flashlight, as if someone might scold them for staying up, and relived their greatest hits. 

"Remember that time you hit the whiffleball over into the neighbor's yard, and you got stuck in the fence on your way back, and my dad had to cut you out?"

"Remember the time there was a huge snowdrift up to your roof, and it all froze over and made one big slide, and the first time going down it we ran into your mailbox with the sled?"

"Remember the time I got the wall ball stuck in the gutter and you fell off the roof trying to get it out?"

"Remember the time we wanted to play Super Smash in your bedroom at 2 in the morning so we tried to sneak the TV up to your room and you dropped it down the stairs?"

"Haha, yeah! I forgot about that..."

Then, when the sun came up, and it was time to say goodbye, the two of them cried like babies.

"I'll remember you forever," Gabriel said.

"Me too," Sam agreed.

"I'm sorry, Sammy," Dean told Sam, as they watched Gabriel's car pull away. Dean put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "I'm really sorry."

Sam sniffled. "Me too," he said.

Dean wiped a tear from Sam's cheek. "How about I get you some ice cream?"

"I'm not really hungry," Sam said.

The next week, on May 2nd, Sam turned 13. And without Gabriel, everything seemed duller.


	4. Gym Class

Sam and Gabriel had gym together, probably the worst class to share with your gay crush. Every morning, Sam watched Gabriel strip down to his underwear and change into his ugly gym uniform from the corner of his eye, and vice versa. They stood so close to each other in the tightly packed locker room, too. So close Sam could feel the warmth radiating off of Gabe. Often they bumped elbows or shoulders, and sometimes they'd fall into each other.

Today was one of those days. Gabriel's foot got caught in his jeans, and he fell into Sam. Sam, who was just as half naked, fumbled to catch Gabe.

"Whoa, sorry, Sam," Gabriel chuckled as Sam helped him right himself. "Pregamed a little too hard this morning," he joked.

Sam grinned and ducked his head into his gym shirt. "You good?" Sam asked as he pulled his head through, hair disheveled. With Gabriel, he'd never been so equally eloquent and clumsy at the same time, and it was entirely Gabriel's fault.

"Never better," Gabriel winked. "Hey," he said, rustling Sam's hair. "Getting a little scruffy there."

Sam ducked out of his reach, smoothing down his mop of brown hair. "I like it scruffy," he retaliated, moving to leave.

Gabriel smiled up at him. "You good?" he called after Sam.

"Never better!" Sam answered as he slipped around the corner towards the gym door.

 

It was getting towards the end of the marking period. They were in between activities, and it was raining outside today, so instead of walking the track, they stayed inside to play basketball. More like, the athletic kids attempted to out shoot each other and everyone else sat against the wall trying not to get hit. Sam sat against the wall with a boy named Kevin Tran, who had also moved ahead a grade, just like Sam. He was a year younger than Sam, but a lot smarter by a long shot. Kevin was all book smarts, no street smarts. Sam was a very high mixture of the two. They sat against the padded walls on the dirty gym floor, debating the answer to the extra credit on the calculus test Sam had managed to ace, by some miracle. Sam was a little distracted today, though.

As much as Sam hated basketball, he loved basketball days in gym. He wasn't penalized for not participating, and he got to watch Gabriel run around and get sweaty for a straight half hour. Sam lived for the little glimpses he could catch of Gabe's belly every time he went for a free throw. He was never watching the ball, so he had no idea how good Gabriel was at basketball, but he sure looked good while he was doing it. Gabriel was one of those people that looked good no matter what. Sam never found smelly, hairy, sweaty athletic guys attractive, or even just aesthetically pleasing. But Gabriel made it work. Hot damn, did he make it work. He was the only person in this goddamn school that could make that mustard yellow shirt and those barf green shorts look good. When he exercised, Gabriel had this glow about him. He smelled like man, but in a good way. More Axe-body-spray-man-smell than smelly-hairy-sweaty-man-smell. That's how Sam knew he was too far in. He enjoyed the smell of Gabriel's BO.

Sam still had trouble differentiating why he thought this. Was it his attraction to Gabriel romanticizing him, or was it just Gabriel himself that he was romanticizing? Was Gabriel so attractive because Sam was attracted to him, or was Sam attracted to him because he was attractive? There was no way to tell for sure.

"Sam? Did you hear me?" Kevin asked.

"Huh?" Sam mumbled.

Kevin looked back over his shoulder. "What were you looking at?"

Sam swallowed hard. "Oh... uh, nothing. I was just zoning out." He felt heat rising to his face. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I asked you if you were going to ask anybody to prom."

Sam had a mental image of he and Gabriel going together, though he knew it was outlandish. Gabriel would doubtlessly go with his girlfriend. But prom was still a few months away. Sam shook off the thought. "Uh, I don't know. I'll probably end up going stag again," he admitted. "But a lot can change in... what is it? 5 months? Maybe I'll find a date."

"I don't think I'll go," Kevin said.

"Really?" Sam asked. "This is the first year you can go. You should go. Prom's a lot of fun."

Kevin shrugged. "A lot can change in 5 months," he repeated. "Maybe I'll find a date."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Smart ass," he mumbled.

"That's my name," Kevin joked.

Sam wondered what sort of things ran through Kevin's head on the daily. He wondered what sort of problems Kevin dealt with every day, what distractions, what fantasies riddled his brain. Sam would die if anyone knew what was going on within his own head. It made him curious, though. Everyone has their own private internal monologue. A lot of blood would be spilled if we didn't. Sam didn't know Gabriel's girlfriend well, but he wondered if she was the jealous type. She couldn't be. If she was dating Gabriel, well, she couldn't be dating him for his faithfulness. Sam had been on the receiving end of too many seemingly harmlessly flirtatious actions that he was on the giving end of. And Sam couldn't be the only one. But what if he was?

Sam stopped himself before he got too far into that one. It was easy to dig yourself a grave when the existence of your crush could only reside inside your own head. If Sam had an outlet, someone to talk to, maybe he wouldn't be so quick to fantasize. It would keep him grounded.

That's when Sam decided to tell Dean.


	5. Coming Out

"Dean, can I tell you something important?"

Dean hesitated. "Um... yes?"

"It's a secret. And it's about me. And I'm going to need you to not judge me or look at me. Just keep driving, keep your eyes on the road. Okay? And don't say anything until I'm done. When I'm done, you can ask questions," Sam said in a rush. It was getting harder to breathe, but Sam was determined to spill his guts.

"...Okay," Dean said awkwardly. "Is this, like, a personal issue or something? Because I really don't think I'm the best one-"

"I'm demisexual," Sam said, in a rush again, more helplessly than he'd rehearsed a million times in his head. "Well, technically I'm demi/bi-"

"Sam-"

"But I don't really like to label it-"

"Sammy!"

"Yeah?"

Dean sighed. "It's too late. Go on."

"Right. So I'm demisexual and I kind of have a massive crush on Gabriel."

"Wait, okay. Slow down. You're demi-what? And what does that have to do with you having a crush on Gabriel?" 

Sam sighed. "I'm demisexual. And it has everything to do with my having a crush on Gabriel." Sam was nervous, but it felt good to say those things outloud. He'd been keeping this in this whole time. It felt good to let his words spill out of him, unfiltered with no real fear of consequence. It became easier the more he said, a similar concept to "word vomit" from Mean Girls.

"Before this goes any further can I ask why you're telling me this?"

Sam heaved another sigh. "Because it's eating me up inside, Dean. And anyone else I would tell is too close to Gabriel. Please let me finish. I'm not asking you to understand or even to care. All I'm asking is that you listen to me and continue treating me exactly how you did before I told you this. Almost as if nothing has happened."

Dean sighed this time. "Okay, fine. And I do care, Sammy. I just don't like confrontation, you know that."

"I know."

"So what's demisexual?"

"Me."

"No, I mean what is it?"

"Oh. It's hard to explain."

"Well please try. That's what I thought you were gunna do anyway," Dean mumbled.

"Okay, okay," Sam said evenly. He took a deep breath. "Demisexuality is when you only feel sexual attraction towards people you have a strong relationship with. So like, close friends, or people you've known for a really long time. People you're comfortable around."

"I'm kind of confused."

"Okay, listen. So you, for example, you're straight-"

"Um, I'm actually bi, Sammy."

Sam blinked. "What? Really?"

"Sam, I've been dating Castiel for 6 months now," Dean said almost defensively.

"Really?! I had no idea!"

"Sam-"

"We really should talk more, Dean."

"Sammy."

"Right, sorry. So you're bisexual, meaning the pool of people you could potentially be attracted to is limited to people who identify as either male or female, correct?"

"Yes, but-"

"We're talking about the people you could potentially be attracted to. The people you actually are attracted to is a smaller pool within that male and/or female pool. Correct?" Sam asked.

"Um, yeah."

"So it's simple right? For me, the pool of people I could potentially be attracted to is limited to the people I am very close with because I'm demisexual. My pool of potential love interests is much smaller than yours, but it still exists. And my pool of people I'm actually attracted to is much smaller too. I don't know if you noticed, but I don't have a lot of friends."

"Yes, you do," Dean shot. "You hang out with your friends all the time."

"Yes, but it's the same people all the time. And I'm not attracted to any of them. Well, except for Gabriel, now but-"

"Wait," Dean interrupted. "Did you tell me all of this nonsense just so that you could tell me that you have a crush on Gabriel?"

"It's not nonsense, but yes."

"That's the only reason? Because you should have lead with that. I don't need this much information."

"No. I wanted to tell you I'm demisexual too. That was eating away at me probably more than the crush," Sam said heatedly. He sighed. "I needed to tell you all of it, Dean. That's it though. I'm done. Thanks for listening."

Dean was quiet for a long time. "So you really didn't know about me and Cas?"

"No," Sam answered, picking at his nails absently. "I wish I had though."

"I'm sorry," Dean said halfheartedly. "I have no excuse for you. I'm just bad at... this."

"I noticed."

Dean hesitated. "And... I might have told Cas not to tell you."

"What?! Why?!"

Dean sighed. "I didn't want you to ask me a million questions."

Sam didn't even have the energy to argue with him. He moved on. "So, can I get a reaction about my secret, or...?"

"Oh," Dean cleared his throat. "It's cool, Sammy. Good for you."

Sam sighed. "Okay, how about some advice? Isn't that what big brothers are for?"

"You're really... up front today," Dean decided. "Is it because you're nervous?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"You're just... not usually this forward about stuff. Like, sure, you enjoy the ocassional heart to heart. But this is like... like, you're straight up jumpy, Sam. Normally you're really chill about stuff."

"I'm sorry, but this is kind of a life altering thing for me," Sam said. Sam thought about mentioning his anxiety issues too, while they were sharing, but he thought better of it. "Thanks for putting up with me, Dean." After he'd said that, all the determination and spirit drained out of him. He didn't feel like he could speak another telling word the rest of his life he was so exhausted.

"Right back at ya, Sammy," Dean replied.

They road the rest of the way home in silence, only broken by the purr of the Impala and Dean humming quietly along to the radio.


	6. Longing

"I don't wanna play anymore," Gabriel complained, handing his remote to Sam, who was content to watch as Gabriel, Castiel, and Charlie played Mario Kart.

Sam looked down at the controller in his lap and frowned. "I'm okay," he said, setting the remote on the coffee table Cas and Charlie were leaning against.

"Who needs ya!" Charlie said, waving them off. She disconnected Gabriel's controller and began a game without him.

They were in Gabriel's basement, a lazy Sunday afternoon playing video games and munching on snacks. Gabriel and Sam were sitting very close on the couch, as was usual. Gabriel even leaned against Sam now, in his frustration at losing, and Sam dared to put but arm around him. He begged himself to keep it together. 

Sam was enjoying the closeness, and if he focused on where their bodies connected, Gabriel's head on his chest, his torso against Sam's side, he could almost believe they were together. At the least, he could enjoy the touching. Gabriel was a comforting weight against him, warm and living. Sam's heart fluttered.

And immediately after, he thought what a strange instance this was. Sam rarely ever let anyone touch him like this. He and Gabriel were really, properly cuddling. Gabriel had his arm around Sam's middle. Their legs were tangling, and Sam could feel Gabriel's steady heartbeat against his ribcage. If anyone else were cuddling with Sam like this, he'd have been having a meltdown. Sam didn't even let most people hug him. He didn't even particularly like high fives. Whenever his hand brushed against someone else's in a "take one, pass it back" situation at school he felt it for hours and wallowed about it for days. And here he was, cuddling with this boy he was so absurdly, impossibly, nonsensically attracted to and he felt as if he could stay in that position for the rest of his life.

Sam wondered if Gabriel felt the same way, or if he'd understand if Sam told him. He guessed not. Sam was sure Gabriel hadn't experienced a single moment of discomfort or anxiety at another person's touch in his entire life. Gabriel was such a touchy-feely person; he didn't strike Sam as the kind of guy to turn down a good cuddle session from anyone. A few years ago, before Gabe had moved away, he'd owned a "free hugs" tshirt. Sam was flabberghasted how many people indulged in a free hug, and how many people Gabriel went out of his way to deliver a hug to. Sam wouldn't ever wear a "free hugs" shirt. It seemed like such a petty aversion, but he felt it to his soul.

They were slowly slipping into syncrocity here on Gabriel's couch. Their breathing and heartbeats had matched each other. They laid tangled in each other, Gabriel practically on top of Sam. They were so close and so calm and so... so right. Sam wanted to stay here forever, feeling the weight of Gabriel against him, the two of them melting into the couch.

But he knew how it would end. At the end of the day, Gabriel would climb off of him and he'd walk home with a cold imprint where Gabe's head had been on his chest, and the smell of him all over his clothes. He'd go home to his empty bed and Gabriel would go back to his girlfriend. It was a far cry from right.

Sam had begun drifting in and out of sleep. He was so comfortable here. He didn't want to move. But after long, the others wanted pizza, and Sam followed them up the stairs with a warm, hollow imprint on his chest where Gabe's head had been, and the smell of him filling his nostrils. His heart fluttered, but not of happiness. All he felt was a deep, bitter, jaded longing. And it wouldn't go away for days.


	7. Public Eye

Sam had a reocurring dream about Gabriel. Well, the theme and general plot were the same, but the setting was different every time. There were slight deviations in the dialog too. But for the most part, he and Gabriel walked hand in hand, hovering toward each other, as they'd done often in real life, just not in an explicitly romantic way. And they were always encountered by someome admiring their relationship in some way or another. It was a blur to Sam. They all blended together. All he knew for sure was that he woke feeling unsatisfied, after the dream had filled him with so much joy and an insatiable feeling of immortality as he laced his fingers through Gabriel's. 

The simple act of hand holding was something Sam wasn't very comfortable with beyond his dreams, and beyond Gabriel. Sam thought about it often, why he might be more comfortable (but still hesitant) with the thought of formally dating Gabriel and making it public. What it mostly boiled down to was his sexuality. He couldn't speak for Gabriel (and as far as he knew this would never be a problem for him) but Sam knew what people would ask him. They'd ask if he was gay, and act surprised, as if you can or can't tell if someone is gay by sight, as if his sexual feelings were anyone else's business to be labeling. 

There was nothing wrong with being gay, obviously, Sam just wasn't. And if he had to be labeled he'd prefer it to be accurate. It didn't matter, not really. The more Sam thought about it, the more trivial it seemed to be so violently assertive about a label. But he knew why he felt like he needed to be labeled precisely in the eyes of others; because if they didn't understand the first time Sam was in a relationship, they never would, and Sam would need to either explain himself all over again or go through the agony of accepting their almost mocking surprise at his "sudden change of heart" every time he had a new relationship, which wouldn't be often, but still. He resolved to try to explain himself, to make people percieve him as correctly as they could understand. But he knew eventually, he'd get worn down. And then he'd go unblinking into their assumptions.

When/if he should ever date Gabriel:

"I didn't know you were gay, Sam!"

"Me neither."

And when/if he should ever date another girl after the fact:

"Sam, I thought you were gay? Were you just experimenting? Those things never last beyond the first, am I right? Haha..."

"I was never gay, or experimenting. And you shouldn't make fun of people experiementing with their sexuality. It takes a lot to have the courage to get around the heteronormativity and understand that you're not just gay or straight. And if the first step is kissing a few people of the opposite gender, so be it."

He would never say that. He'd probably laugh awkwardly and walk away. It had a deafening feeling, all of the what if's attatched to this. Sam felt as if it wasn't worth it, because as soon as he had a different relationship, he'd be scrutinized, and he'd rather go to the trouble and absurdity of cutting every tie that thought he was gay and finding new friends to attempt to explain it to, or to just accept him with this new other relationship. 

Sam often thought about this when he was getting carried away in his thoughts of Gabriel. He was jumping the gun. He didn't have to think about how he'd want to go about dating Gabriel because Gabriel was someone else's to date. There was so much red tape between Sam and Gabriel that Sam couldn't even see the guy through it all, and it was none of Sam's business to begin tearing away at it. Sam had to let Gabriel come to him, or nothing would happen at all. Sam had resolved to accept that fate, for lying in wait was better than standing exposed.

It was dangerous and futile to even think about dating Gabe while he was conscious, but while Sam was dreaming, he could do anything. Often, the most exciting thing his subconscious could conjure up was holding hands with Gabriel in public.

Sometimes Gabriel would kiss his hand, and a few times his cheek. He was always warm and comforting, and the setting was always just as well. 

Tonight's dream was a little different, more different than usual. Sam was painfully aware of everything, almost lucidly, and he remembered every detail when he burst awake. He was at his locker, feverishly pulling books from it's depths. Gabriel came up next to him and they began walking together, their strides matching. Sam did the trick he always did, both in real life and in dreams. He'd move all of his books and things to the arm furthest from Gabriel, swinging his empty hand exposed, a silent and unconscious invitation for Gabe to take his hand. Gabriel took the bait tonight, as always, but not without a few words first, which was unusual.

They were close to Sam's class, but Gabriel had to go the other way. Sam knew because he'd lived this, and he'd had the dream a dozen times, where Gabe would kiss his hand before leaving him. But tonight was different.

"Take my hand," Gabriel instructed. Sam did what he was told, waffling their hands together between them. "You should walk me to class," Gabriel suggested, smiling up at Sam. "Like you're my boyfriend."

Sam smiled too. "Okay," was all he managed. He couldn't stop smiling. It was kind of a surreal experience. They climbed the stairs, hand in hand, pretend or temporary boyfriends.

This was when it got awkward. Sam had had Gabriel's teacher before, last year, for honors World History. Mr. Singer was awkward and made Sam uncomfortable, as Sam was sure Mr. Singer thought of Sam. Gabriel strode fearlessly down the hallway, asking Sam if he'd had Mr. Singer before. Sam stuttered and faltered but he confirmed that he had.

"I brought you a present," Gabriel told Mr. Singer, squeezing Sam's hand before dropping it and striding past his teacher into the classroom.

Sam, who hadn't seen or talked to Mr. Singer in months, nearly a year now, was shaking, physically. Sam stuttered, spouting off small talk that made no sense. The ringing in his ears was too loud to allow him smooth speech, or to have a comprehensible conversation. It ended with Sam awkwardly saying goodbye and running off to class.

He had a moment of panic in his dream. He was running, leaping, flying down the stair well at top speed, unaware of how fast he was fleeing, his instincts in total control. And his head buzzed with thoughts, his chest filling with anxiety. Why had Gabriel done that? Sam knew that Gabriel didn't understand his anxiety, or how awkward he was at any given moment, put on the spot like that. And Sam had loved every moment leading up to it. So it was only his own fault.

Gabriel had strode with him, hand in hand, almost showing him off, then dropped him off like a prize he had won. "I brought you a present." More like, "Here's Sam, the boy I'm stringing along. He's in love with me, apparently." Sam shook himself.

And he shook himself awake.

The worst part about Sam's dreams was, when they were vivid enough like that one, they tended to come true in a weird way. You know how dreams slowly find their way back to you throughout the day, when you aren't thinking about it? Sam wondered if that's what had happened, if the actual act of it all sprang a memory in his mind, of his dream and the devastating details of it. Sam had read studies about dreams meaning nothing psychologically, and he believed it. His dream portrayed his hopeless infatuation with Gabriel, and nothing more. Because that's what real like portrayed as well. And the events that happened that day had mirrored those of his dream exactly.

Gabriel had called him his boyfriend. Gabriel had held his hand and pulled him along behind him. Gabriel had kissed his cheek and touched his shoulder. And Gabriel had left him for dead.

It was the first time Sam's dreams had ever taken such a form, such foreshadowing without being properly before the event. He didn't know what it meant, if anything, but he didn't want to know.

And he cringed to think about what it meant after the fact. If he felt this anxious as Gabriel's pretend boyfriend for a whole of 4 minutes, how would he ever accomplish being his actual boyfriend? He wouldn't. He would only be able to function when Gabriel was holding his hand.

Maybe it was only Sam, but it was strange how his infatuation worked like that. In any given situation, Sam would be anxious to the point of anxiety about being in a relationship, about PDA, and being officially together with someone in the public eye. The whole thing gave him anxiety.

But walking the halls today, he was fine. He was great, even. Incredible. He didn't feel that anxiety with Gabriel, for whatever reason. But it hit him like a ton of bricks when Gabriel let go of his hand. Suddenly it was Sam against the world. That feeling of ease had dicintigrated. It made Sam nervous to know this.

And still his heart beat on for Gabriel.


	8. False Hope

There would be a moment someday when all of Sam's grief would be worth it. Sam was sure of this, as Gabriel ran his fingers through Sam's hair, draping himself all over him.

They were at the local ice cream place, Cones, which had been open for as long as Sam could remember. He and Gabriel used to ride their bikes there every summer. Now, they had driven, and with a group. They were all out late, after a school event, and it was the first time they'd meet Balthazar's new girlfriend, who would be gone a week later, the incident of that not necessarily directly influenced by this particular incident, but who could say for sure? Gabriel's girlfriend was on vacation, and Sam couldn't help but feel like he was filling in. Gabriel was always wacky, but he always seemed to act up more than usual around new people. And yet he still made them love him. Sam never ceased to be amazed by his friend.

Anyway, Gabriel had sat down at the picnic table way too close to Sam, their legs pressed together, Gabriel so close to him, he felt the urge to wrap his arm around his shoulders. Gabriel's behavior only escalated from there. He was the only one talking really, probably scaring the hell out of Balthazar's girlfriend, and Sam was a tool in the carnage of it. Gabriel kept whispering things in his ear, things that would make him blush, as much from Gabriel's warm breath on his neck as the content of his messages. There were times when Sam was sure Gabriel was into him, like now. With their fingers intertwined, Gabriel fawning all over him, personal bubbles conjoined, or non existent, it didn't matter which. It was hard to follow Gabriel's ramblings, and after a while Sam gave up, and moved his full attention to controlling himself. 

Gabriel had moved his hand to the inside of Sam's thigh, and the only thing between them was Sam's jeans. There was Gabriel's hand, Sam's jeans, then Sam's leg. There was skin, jeans, and skin. There was just a layer of fabric between their bare skins touching. Between contact that was so much more somehow. Between the warmth of the two of them. Sam held his breath when Gabriel's fingers started moving in little circles, a hypnotic pattern. In another context, Sam might have tried to kiss him. In another reality, he might have urged Gabriel on, or he may have reciprocated the touch. Any number of different realities could have been happening, but they were not. There was here and now. There was Gabriel's taken hand on Sam's lonely thigh, and there was a wall of red tape between their skin. There was a girlfriend and a truth Sam wasn't ready to admit to anyone more than Dean. There was an uncertainty that had only ghosted into their relationship. There were too many things keeping this touch from being sensual, too many things keeping Sam from Gabriel that it physically hurt.

All Sam could do was dig his nails in and pray nothing would go wrong. With Gabriel nuzzling him, and feeling him up, it took a lot of self control to remain himself, and Sam though Gabriel must know what he's doing to him. He must know that this was all driving him crazy, that it took every molecule in Sam's body not to act on the energy Gabriel was literally rubbing into him. Gabriel must be doing this to mess with him, he must be doing it to watch Sam squirm as he attempts to fight off a boner, in public, in front of his friends, and as a first impression no less. If he didn't know what he was doing to Sam, if he couldn't see how crazy he drove Sam, he must be blind, Sam thought. Gabriel wasn't the type to be so cruel. He couldn't know how he affected Sam. He would stop immediately if he knew Sam had a hopeless crush on him. And the real kicker is, Sam would never tell him unless he was sure that Gabriel would like him back. Because no matter what, no matter the sexual frustration he would endure, it would be worth it to keep having these intimate moments with Gabriel, even if it was never real, even if Sam went home to no one, and Gabriel went back to his girlfriend. So Sam would suffer, then.

The whole thing was absurd, really. That Sam would put up with this, with being led on by accident (hopefully), just to be close to Gabriel. And their interactions were spaced just far enough apart from each other so that as soon as Sam had stopped thinking about him, as soon as Sam had thought maybe he could get him out of his head, maybe he would get over this crush, something happened that pulled him right back in again. It was maddening, this cycle. There must be some release, some light at the end of the tunnel. Either a true and final detachment from the shackles that were this horrendous crush, or everything would come together like a dream. Sam hoped for the latter, obviously, but beggars can't be choosers. Sam needed some release, obviously he had a preferred one in mind, but anything would do. Anything to get out of the heat of Gabriel. The boy was like the sun, if Sam stood by him too long, he'd get burning. But it didn't stop him from sunbathing. He didn't think anything could.

In all of Sam's silent agony, there came a day when things began to move in the right direction.

It was a blustering Monday morning when Sam came into school, sopping wet from the unexpected rain, and Gabriel came bounding up to him, eyes red and puffy. "Guess what!" he practically exclaimed. Sam couldn't ready him. Was he happy? Or was it something else?

"What?" Sam asked, holding his hands up in a surrender, to fend off the absolute wrecking ball that was Gabriel running at him.

"I'm single!" he sang.

Sam fought hard not to smile. He fought everything within him not to show an emotion other than surprise. He fought and he fought. And he thought he must have screwed it up, because Gabriel's ambiguous expression broke a bit. "What?" Sam said again, jaw slackened.

Single. Gabriel was single. Those words incongruity didn't seem right. It took almost no time at all for Sam to process, and he went off the class hiding his absolute, unbridled joy. And as soon as he had stopped thinking about that night at Cones the week before, he had a whole new world of daydreams to explore. In the weeks to come, Gabriel would become increasingly interested in Sam's romantic history, and Sam would fight to hold down his optimism. Everything was coming together, if not exactly how he'd expected. But together nonetheless.


	9. A Misplaced Hickey

"Do you like boys?" Gabriel hissed, hanging on Sam's arm at lunch, while three other conversations raged on around them. Sam was engaged in one of them. He was midsentence, actually, when Gabe whispered in his ear, so low and warm.

Gabriel was wrapped around Sam's arm, playing with his fingers, flexing his elbow, pulling tight on his shoulder. It didn't bother Sam - this was normal - but there was so much going on in this moment that Sam felt anxiety bubbling in his stomach. He wanted to maintain his conversation with Cas; it was interesting, and he hadn't talked to Cas much since finding out about him and Dean, not for any particular reason, just because they hadn't had time to sit down and chat. But Sam desperately wanted to answer Gabe too, to full effect. He wanted to tell Gabriel everything, because Gabe was looking up at him with those big golden eyes, doting on him like Sam was the most interesting person in the world. Sam loved when Gabriel did this, when he looked at him like he was the moon in the sky, lovingly. Sam wanted to tell him, just not here. Sam couldn't answer this question here. He couldn't answer truthfully without coming out to everyone, and he wouldn't say no. He didn't know why Gabriel was asking but he wanted to be clear about his feelings, just in case. He knew it was optimistic, but he owedbit to himself to be hopeful. 

Why was Gabriel asking? In the moment, Sam wasn't sure. He hadn't finished his coffee yet, and his brain wasn't working fast enough for anything to occur to him. Later he would think about it, as he played the scene over and over in his head. The only reason Sam could think of was validation. Maybe Gabriel was experiencing new feelings, as Sam had a few months ago, and he wanted validation. It was optimistic, but Sam could dream.

"Sam? Did you hear me?"

"Um, yeah," Sam said, under his breath as someone else chimed in to his conversation with Cas. Sam tried to keep an ear trained to the conversation, but it was hard, when he was eagerly waiting to see if Gabriel would explain himself.

"Well?"

Sam's breath hitched. His brain wasn't thinking fast enough. "Yeah, boys are great," was all he could mumbled, nudging at Gabriel.

He couldn't catch Gabriel's reaction; he was being sucked back into the conversation. If the room wasn't so busy, if they were alone, it would have been better. Sam could have said yes, and maybe something would have happened. A whole host of maybes and what ifs flooded Sam's brain and he pushed them away. What happened happened, and Sam could only hope.

 

The questions about sexuality only came more frequently.

"Sam, am I gay?"

"What?" Sam stuttered, walking in on the back half of a conversation.

"You've known me for a pretty long time. I know I'm touchy feely but I'm like that with everyone, right? Am I gay?"

Sam attempted to swallow past his sandpaper tongue, but nothing happened. "Um..."

Gabriel was back to arguing with the girl that had accused him, and did one better, accusing her of being a lesbian in an effort to defend himself. Sam's brain was whirring, trying to get up to speed. "Maybe you're accusing each other as a cover up," he suggested, but no one was really listening. That's okay. He was happy to be out of the conversation.

But the hits kept coming

A week later, Gabriel called Sam his boyfriend again. They were in the drive through at McDonalds, getting dinner for everyone back at Cas's house. Sam was the memory card, spouting out everyone's orders so that Gabriel could repeat them to the box outside his car window. 

The drive through girl was flirting with him a bit when they pulled up to the window. "That'll be $33.75 and," she said, twirling her hair around her finger, "your phone number."

Gabriel took Sam's hand, and held it up for her to see. "I'm afraid my phone number belongs to my boyfriend right now. Will just the money be okay?" he joked. Sam only turned red and laughed with Gabe as they pulled away. 

 

The next week it was May, and Sam's 17th birthday had arrived. Gabriel threw him a little party in his backyard, just their group of friends, really. There was pizza and soda and cupcakes and a bonfire. There were 4 chairs around the fire and 6 people. Sam had been helping Gabriel clean up a little while the others started the fire, so when all the seats had been taken the two of them pulled chairs from the table over. 

The other scooted around to make room for them. They didn't need much room, Gabriel was practically sitting in Sam's lap. He leaned against Sam and pulled his arm around his chest, so that Sam was holding him against his chest. Sam was so full and content and comfortable here, with Gabriel in his arms. He wasn't nervous or anxious, it felt normal, holding Gabriel like this. It was wonderful.

Before long, Gabriel began playing with Sam's fingers again. Sam was part of a seperate conversation again, and so he had no context leading up to Gabriel's prying question.

"Have you ever gotten a hickey, Sam?"

He didn't honestly think he had. He'd had one real relationship before now, and they were so young, it didn't even really count. Maybe if he had properly dated Ruby, things would have been different. But he told Gabriel truthfully that he hadn't, and Gabriel took it upon himself to change that.

Sam was nervous at first; he thought Gabriel would do it on his neck. But Gabe just pulled Sam's arm up to his mouth, and went to work. He'd placed his mouth just below the crook of Sam's elbow, on the soft, pale underbelly of his forearm, one of the softest places on his body. There was a whole expanse of smooth, untouched skin on each of Sam's forearms, like freshly fallen snow, and Gabriel seemed to enjoy destroying that. He sucked and nibbled at Sam's delicate skin, and Sam didn't feel much of anything under the surface. He did feel Gabriel's hot mouth on his skin, and it drove him insane.

Gabriel pulled away and held Sam's arm up to admire his dirty work. "Oh, shit," he said, poking the red-purple mark he had made on Sam's skin. Sam felt it now. He felt the skin behind the mark stinging and burning.

"Is it supposed to burn?" Sam asked, biting his lip. Everyone laughed.

"Well, I did just break all your blood vessels," Gabriel considered.

For the next three days, as the hickey faded, Sam walked around wearing it like a medal. Sometimes he'd mistake it for a bug, and have a moment of panic, mostly that someone else would do the same. But most of the time, he walked around staring at it like it was a miracle. Like he'd been waiting for someone, particularly Gabriel, to mark him, to keep him tethered to him. He ran his fingers over and over and over it, but it was smooth to the touch, and all the burning had gone away. Soon, the small red-purple mark faded into oblivion


	10. Too Much

Now that Sam knew about Dean and Cas, it seemed glaringly obvious. Maybe because they had decided that there was no point in hiding it anymore, but also because Sam had realized that his brother had a profound bond with only one of his friends in particular. 

It was cute at first. Sam would only catch glimpses; he'd turn away and give them privacy as soon as he saw them alone together. He didn't want to make them uncomfortable, and he didn't want to make himself uncomfortable. Plus, he knew that if he and Gabriel were dating, he'd want the same privacy he was giving Dean and Cas.

Sam wondered if Cas knew about all of the girls Dean dated. He wondered if he should say something. It was a tricky situation. Cas must know. Maybe the girls were a front for Dean. Maybe he dated so many girls to cover up his gay love affair with Castiel. Maybe the two had agreed upon this arrangement. But Sam wasn't sure why they would hide it from him. At first anyway...

They were cute at first. They would hold hands and kiss and cuddle into each other. They even eskimo kissed once or twice. And they had no problem doing so in front of Sam, or anyone for that matter. After Sam had found out about their relationship, Dean started hanging out with his friend group more often. At first, it was just when they were at Castiel's house. But then when Sam would go to Gabe's or Balthazar's or once even Charlie's, Dean started asking if Cas would be there too, and if Sam said yes, he'd tag along.

It was cute at first. They were cute at first. When it was new to Sam, and he only caught accidental glimpses. But they became very comfortable around Sam very quickly, and Sam started to hate it. It started to not become cute anymore. They were disgustingly into each other. And it left a bad taste in Sam's mouth. It gave hik anxiety to be around them, actually. He wasn't sure why, but he almost never knew how yo regard his anxiety. All he knew that it was Dean and Cas's fault. Sam didn't bother voicing this opinion; he didn't want to perpetrate negativity, and he didn't think he really had any right to feel this way, as it was probably his lack of attraction taking the wheel for this one. But Sam physically could not look at the two of them without wanting to vomit.

It was becoming a problem, as these things do, when Dean had stopped asking if Cas was going to be at whoever's house Sam was going to. Because he knew Cas wasn't going to be at whoever's house. He would either be at Dean's house or his own house, while all of his friends would be elsewhere. That's right. Castiel began blowing them off to hang out with Dean. And it wasn't like he'd even tell them. He just wouldn't answer the group chat. 

Sam had had enough of it, and he had remembered to bring it up when they were all hanging out in Gabriel's basement. Cas and Dean had decided to run back to Cas's house to get a board game he had or something, Sam wasn't really listening. But as soon as they left, Sam got to it. 

Sam leaned forward when the door had closed. Gabriel slid down the couch behind him, pushing against Sam's shoulder blade with his elbow before settling against him. Sam gestured with his thumb at the door "Did you guys know they've been dating? For, like, almost a year now?" he asked incredulously. 

There was a moment of measured silence, in which everyone held their collective breaths, unwilling to try their luck and see if he were joking or not. When Sam didn't crack, they burst out laughing.

"Sam, you have GOT to be kidding me," Gabriel announced, fidgeting as Sam leaned back again.

"No! Seriously!" Sam said. "You mean you all knew and you didn't tell me?"

"We thought you knew, dumbass!" Balthazar practically yelled.

"Well, I didn't," Sam grumbled, shaking Gabriel from his shoulder a bit.

"Oh, don't get all pouty," Gabriel cooed, laying himself down in Sam's lap. He took Sam's face in one hand, squeezing his cheeks so that he'd pout. "We didn't think you could possibly not know. Dean's your brother, for God's sake!"

Sam shooed Gabriel's hand, and Gabriel began playing with his fingers again. "Okay, okay, Sam's an idiot. Very funny," he said. "But can we talk about how obnoxious they are!"

"They've been like this for a while," Charlie said, after the second held silence.

"Really?" Sam thought about it, and it occured to him that maybe that's why he hadn't seen Cas so much this year. He had been so caught up in his own affairs that he hadn't even realized. It was kind of double embarressing, because not only did he not notice the absence of one of his closest friends, but he hadn't noticed his own brother's infatuation.

"We're all kinda pissed about it," Charlie continued, when Sam said nothing. "We talk about it all the time. We were literally planning an intervention last week. Where are you when these conversations happen?"

If those moments were strung together, they would be a doofy, almost comical montage of Sam being distracted by Gabriel, whether it was mutual, or Sam was just pining after him, which was his default. He wanted to say that he wouldn't be like Dean and Cas if he were in a relationship, but he found himself feeling hypocritical at the thought, as Gabriel was currently laying across his lap and Sam was subconsciously rubbing circles on his soft tummy, and they weren't even dating. But this is different, he told himself. 

At least now he knew that it wasn't his general indifference and physical aversion towards intimacy that was making him uncomfortable, because everyone had agreed with him outright.

 

That night, Sam had one of the worst nightmares he'd ever had.

Maybe it was his paranoia about having told Dean everything, or maybe it was how anxious he and Cas together made him feel. Whatever it was, it was mean and demanding, and Sam couldn't escape the feeling of it.

He dreamt that they had had their intervention. They sat Cas down and told him flat out that he and Dean were problematic, and that there was a time and a place for the way they interacted. Sam wasn't the main voice in this conversation, and for whatever reason, Gabriel wasn't there. Charlie was leading the discussion. 

And in the dream the worst had happened. Dean had probably told Cas about Sam's crush. How else would Cas have known? In an effort to defend himself, Cas made the decision to play dirty.

"So you think my relationship is over the top?" Cas was saying, waving his arms. Sam had never seen him like this. Cas was always so calm and relaxed.

"Yes," Sam said, speaking up for the first time.

Cas barked a laugh. "Oh, that's rich coming from you, Sam!" he yelled. "Hypocrite! As if you're any better!"

Sam's breath hitched.

"What's he talking about?" Charlie asked.

Sam shook his head. Cas smiled cruelly. "Isn't it obvious?" He proceeded to tell them all about Sam's secret in an act of self defence, both successfully outing Sam and destroying him, in one fell swoop. It's a shame how often those things go hand and hand, Sam thought.

Sam burst awake before anything else could happen. Not before he had stood up for himself, screaming at Castiel about how it was different and he knew it, and how dare he throw Sam under the bus to save his own ass, and how does he even know about that, and don't change the subject, this is still an intervention. Sam woke up shaking and sputtering, and hot tears rolled down his face.

This was stupid. This would never and could never happen. Castiel was probably the kindest person Sam had ever met, with the sweetest most gentle disposition. They had never been at odds once, and Sam had never heard Cas raise his voice above a low growl, and never to say a single word with any kind of ill intent. So the screaming anxiety in Sam's chest was entirely irrational. But that's why anxiety was anxiety, Sam thought. It couldn't possibly be rational. If anxiety were rational, you would be able to choose it.

Sam didn't fall back asleep that night. He just kept replaying the things he and Cas han't said over and over in his brain. The whole thing was awful.


	11. A Baby Chick

Gabriel had study hall the same period Sam had anatomy, which turned out to be incredible luck for Sam. Gabriel liked to poke his nose around whenever they did dissections, and because he knew Sam, he didn't feel weird about invading the classroom to watch. Sam's teacher had taken a liking to Gabe as well, so he was never kicked out or scolded for sticking around.

Sam loved when Gabriel came into anatomy. It was probably the only time Sam had ever seen Gabriel act shy in all the years they'd known each other. Gabriel probably knew more people than Sam knew in the class, and most of them were in Sam's grade. But Gabriel still did the adorable shy things he always did when he came to visit Sam. Sam couldn't wrap his head around it at first. Why would Gabriel act like this? It occurred to him too late that maybe he liked Sam...

Gabriel would come into class and hover around Sam, gravitating toward him. Some days he'd do this adorable thing where he'd loop a finger through the belt loop in Sam's jeans, to stay closer to him, to remain within his bubble. Gabe would hunch his neck to be closer to him. He'd speak low and sweet and directly to Sam, asking him who people were, having one sided conversations under his breath with him in response to something someone said, which he'd never been afraid to voice aloud, but still he whispered. And Sam answered him under his breath too, the two of them hissing back and forth to each other. Sam found that when Gabe would do this cute little shy thing, he'd watch Sam's mouth when he talked. His warm eyes, so close to him, would go back and forth from his mouth to his eyes, switching his gaze quickly, but lingering on his mouth. It made Sam self conscious, but he was never about his wits enough in these moments of closeness to do anything to defend himself.

 

Towards the end of the year the Anatomy 2s had been given a project to incubate baby chicken eggs. They were to turn them over every so often, but almost no one could follow through for some reason. No one could be bothered to leave class, or to stay after school. And when the time came for them to hatch, 24 out of 25 eggs died. The class affectionately named the lone survivor Nemo, as he was the only egg out of the lot to survive.

The news of baby Nemo traveled fast. Soon the whole school was buzzing about it, and everyone who knew Sam was in anatomy would bother him about it. Whenever they weren't at the lab stations in class, which was most days, the poor lonely chick would cry until someone went back to hold him. Sam had only held the baby chick once; there was always a long line to hold Nemo, and it made him a bit nervous to be honest. The chick, not the line. But one day, Gabriel came in with the soul mission to hold the baby.

Gabriel immediately adopted his shy demeanor, hovering around Sam. "I'm scared," Gabriel whispered. "What if it poops on me?"

Sam chuckled. "He won't poop on you," he said. Sam was sitting at his lab table, and the tall stool combined with his height made him nearly as tall as Gabriel when he was standing. 

"Have you held him?" Gabriel asked. He was leaning into Sam's shoulder, and he reached around to pull Sam's arm free, and wrap it around his waist.

Sam looped his thumb through Gabriel's belt loop. "Only once. Don't be scared. He won't hurt you. As long as you don't threaten to make him into a chicken nugget."

Gabriel gasped incredulously, twisting to look down at Sam. "No! Who did that?"

Sam smirked and nodded to a short, squat boy with a mess of curly hair, clothes hanging haphazard from him, who was messing with a Bunsen burner at the next lab table over. "His name's Metatron, I think."

Gabe wrinkled his nose. "What a lovely human being," he mused. Sam giggled. "Well, I'm not afraid he'll hurt me," Gabe said. "I'm afraid I'll hurt him."

"Ah," Sam said. "Do you know how to hold a baby chick?"

Gabriel shook his head. "You saw me at Cas's house. I don't even know how to pet a cat. I'm more of a big animal person."

"I've noticed," Sam mumbled, laughing to himself. 

"Why do you think I hang around you all the time, you big moose?" Gabe laughed, ruffling the back of Sam's hair. Not enough to mess it up, or to bother Sam. Just enough to be affectionate. Sam even leaned into it a bit.

"What are you two giggling about over there?" Kevin asked from across the lab table.

Gabriel shook his head and stood away from Sam. "I wanna hold the chick," he announced, to no one in particular. He caught the hand Sam was letting slip back to his side, and pulled Sam up. "But you're gunna hold him first."

Sam didn't object. He allowed Gabe to lead him through the crowd to where the chick was being held. A boy named Ash was holding Nemo close to his chest, cooing at him and petting his little velvet head with a single finger.

Gabriel pulled on Sam's shoulder and stood on his tippy toes to down whisper to him to ask for the chick. "Okay, okay," Sam hissed. "You have to let go of me though." Gabriel complied. "Ash, can I hold Nemo when you're done?" Sam asked.

Ash nodded at Sam, eyeing Gabriel who was lingering behind him. "Yeah, sure, Sam. Here," he said, holding the chick out to Sam.

Sam fitted his larger hands around Ash's and Ash eased himself from Sam's grasp on the baby chick. Then, Sam was holding Nemo close to his chest, and his tiny little tallons were scraping against Sam's palms. Gabriel wasted no time at all circling Sam and the chick.

Once Sam had had enough of Gabriel's worrying, he offered the chick to him.

"Um, alright..." Gabriel said warily.

"Come on," Sam said. "You won't hurt him, I promise."

Gabe frowned. "What do I do?"

"Did you watch how I look him from Ash?"

Gabriel stared at him a moment, watching both of Sam's eyes in turn. "Could you just walk me through it again?"

Sam smiled that smile that carves dimples into his cheeks, and nodded. "Put your hands over mine," he instructed, and Gabriel did so. His hands were cold against Sam's. "Now, I'm going to slowly take my hands away. The bottom one first. You're gunna feel his little feet. Don't be scared."

Gabriel smiled sheepishly. "Okay."

"Peep!" said Nemo.

Sam eased his bottom hand away slowly. "You okay?" he asked, when Nemo had stepped off of Sam and onto Gabriel.

Gabe nodded. "Yeah, yeah. I got him."

Sam didn't waste any time pulling his top hand away, and soon Gabriel was holding Nemo like he hadn't been afraid just a second ago. He leaned his shoulder into Sam's chest, watching the baby peep and nuzzle into him with a childlike curiosity. Sam smiled at how precious it was, Gabriel more than the chick.

"Look at him!" Gabriel hissed excitedly, glancing up at Sam.

"I see," Sam nodded. "He's falling alseep on you." Gabriel smiled ear to ear.

He gave Nemo back at the end of the period hesitantly; he reluctantly had to wake the baby to put him back in his little heat lamp warmed tank. And Gabriel walked hand in hand with Sam to his next class.


	12. MDW Part 1

Gabriel's parents were rich. They had a beach house ten minutes from the boardwalk, with four stories, 10 bedrooms, and an apartment downstairs that they rented out every summer. Memorial Day was approaching fast and everyone was glad Gabriel and his beach house were back in their midst. Sam had a little bit of trouble convincing his father to let him go (it would just be 10 kids, no adults, in a place Sam hadn't been since he was a kid) but when Dean had vouced for him, saying he'd be there for the first night if he could get off of work, Sam was given the go ahead.

Dean was driving Cas, and had offered to drive Sam down too, he would just need a ride back, but Sam wanted to go right away with everyone else, and he had already said yes to Gabriel. Dean hadn't been able to get off of work, so he would come down Friday night as soon as his shift was over and leave Saturday afternoon. Sam was in it for the long hall, though. He and Gabriel were leaving Friday right after school and not coming home until Monday night. Sam was confident it would be the best weekend of his life.

They were all set to go by dinner time on Friday, bungee cords wrapped around the cargo in the back of Gabriel's Jeep, and Sam was so excited. They had to make two stops before they started for the beach: they were stopping at McDonald's for dinner, and Gabriel's cousin's house to pick up the alcohol he had bought for them. Then they were speeding down the highways, the wind in their hair, singing along to the radio at the top of their lungs.

They were the first ones to get there, but not by much. Immediately, everyone started fighting over rooms, except Gabriel, who had dibs on the end room on the north side of the house. The mirroring room on the other side of the house was the master, which was off limits to everyone but Gabriel's parents. Gabriel's room was almost identical, except it had a queen bed instead of a king. Sam had gotten stuck sharing a bunk bed with Charlie.

The first night was relatively calm. No one managed to have enough to drink to make anything unreasonable happen in the time alotted. They had settled in, sat out on the deck to watch the sun set, and walked the few blocks to the beach after the darkness had engulfed them. Dean had arrived before the sun had set, and he and Cas had graciously declined the invite to drink on the beach with everyone. They were left with little arguement, and before long everyone else was sat on the beach and talking, louder than was considered peaceful, until a police officer had discovered them and asked them to move along, at around midnight. 

Sam was grateful for Charlie's company that night, even though she had forced him into the top bunk. She wasn't absurdly stubborn and over the top like the boys. Where Charlie was out like a light, Sam was a restless sleeper, and he sat awake staring at the dappled light on the ceiling that was coming through the slats in the blinds covering the windows, and listening to everyone else move about the house as if it wasn't 3 in the morning. One person he didn't hear was Gabriel. He wasn't sure if he particularly liked what that entailed, not that he was entitled to that opinion. Other people he didn't hear were Dean and Cas, which he was immensely grateful for. He had taken the care to choose a room on the opposite side of the house from them, so it didn't surprise him. Sam was a mix of emotions the first night. And it was no wonder that perhaps the most prominent of which was anxiety.

 

The next day was a dream, and served to lift his spirits. Sam was up early, his bladder urging him to nearly fall out of his lofted top bunk and go speed walking to the bathroom at the end of the hall. Gabriel was up early too, a floor up making breakfast, cracking eggs and burning toast. Sam took a moment to marvel at how incredibly together Gabriel is all the time, and how impossibly opposite he was from Sam. Then, he climbed the short flight of stairs to meet him.

"Good morning, Samshine!" Gabriel cheered, smiling from ear to ear. He was wearing an apron that said "Trophy Husband" across the chest.

Sam winced at his new nickname, but took it to mean Gabriel was happy to see him, which was true. "Good morning," he answered, pulling out a bar stool to sit down and put his elbows on the counter across from Gabriel.

"How'd you sleep, champ?" Gabriel asked. "You look like you could use a cup of coffee," he said, turning to pour coffee from a steaming kraff into a mug that said "But first, coffee!" in blue cursive, then passing it to Sam.

"Thanks," Sam mumbled wrapping his cold hands around the mug. "I slept fine. How'd you sleep?"

"Just dandy. My door is the only one that's completely ceiled. Which makes it basically like an oven in there, but I don't hear a thing. Did those meat heads keep you up all night?" Gabe asked. "I know Balthazar finished this," he said, holding up a bottle of whipped cream vodka. "He's the only idiot that likes this crap." He tossed the empty blue bottle, and it went careening into the recycling bin a few feet to his left. 

"Yeah, they were pretty loud," Sam agreed, still waking up.

Gabe pouted at him. "I promise I will personally see to it that you have so much fun tonight that you'll be alseep before your head even hits the pillow," he said boastfully.

Sam smiled. "I'm looking forward to it."

"When you're done with that coffee, go wake the others, would ya?" Gabriel asked. "Breakfast will be ready in just a minute."

Sam didn't try to finish his coffee (he'd only taken a few sips) but he went to wake everyone anyway. He walked down the halls banging on doors, yelling that breakfast was served as loud as his sleep-hoarse voice could manage. Then he fell back into his seat at the counter in front of Gabriel and gratefully sipped his coffee, now cool enough to be enjoyed.

The second day was more fun, as Gabe had promised. After breakfast, everyone took their time getting ready. Sam was ready quickly, and Gabriel had already been ready when Sam had gotten up. Sam helped Gabriel take lunch orders and assemble sandwiches for everyone. Then he helped Gabriel load a cooler full of their lunches, and after gathering their things, the two of them were the first to head for the beach.

They spent all morning at the beach, playing volleyball and body surfing. The sun was scalding and Sam tried desperately to avoid Dean and Cas, who took turns applying sunscreen on each other.

After long, the whole gang went waddling back to the house, sunburnt and hungry. Gabriel set about creating dinner, and the conversation of what tonight should hold began. Some people wanted to go to the boardwalk, but others argued that the boardwalk had lost it's luster, as the large quantity of booze Gabriel had scrounged up would not be anywhere near it. All of this, to which Gabriel reminded everyone that they did not need to do everything together.

So after they ate they split up, Balthazar, his girlfriend, and two other girls Sam vaguely knew heading for the boardwalk, the rest of them sticking around to drink. The kitchen table was converted to a pong table, red solo cups fixed to each end. It was blindingly obvious that Sam had never drank much before this particular outing, and with Dean eyeing him disapprovingly, he didn't feel compelled to, really. But soon, Dean and Cas were lost to the noise and bustle of the drinking games, and Gabriel took Sam under his wing, his kindness almost overwhelming.

Gabriel poured Sam a drink and dragged him into a game of pong with Charlie and Michael, who so far had gone undefeated. Gabriel was no good at it, especially after he was already a bit tipsy, but Sam was surprisingly incredible, sinking three balls in a row. Every cup they eliminated was greeted with a showy celebration.

Michael had taken to attempting to distract them, the game on the verge of won, by doing absurd things, like hovering his crotch behind the cups, or yelling loudly before they threw, or once or twice even covering the cups with his hand before the shot was taken. It was working, they began gaining on Sam and Gabriel, so Gabriel went to strategizing himself.

"Maybe if we start making out, they'll get so distracted that they'll just forfeit," Gabriel suggested. Sam was drunk enough to laugh, and consider it a logical idea, while, in the same breath, holding himself back, because holy shit did he want to just kiss Gabriel right now, in front of everyone, unapologetically. Gabriel had made an excuse already, one he seemed ready to defend.

Before Sam could agree, Charlie claimed their last cup, and they had lost. "Next time," Sam mumbled, going to get himself another drink.

The night was a blur after that. Sam remembered learning to play flip cup, and that he was also good at that, and that someone had vomitted in the upstairs bathroom, which Gabriel cleaned unblinkingly, with the determination of someone who wished he hadn't had to host, but had been subjected to it his whole life. Gabriel had introduced Sam to so many new drinks he didn't think he could remember them all. He particularly liked one made with equal parts blue Gatorade and Malibu, until he had found himself lying on his back in bed, sure that he was about to throw up blue Gatorade, but determined not to give Gabriel the inconvenience.

 

The third day was calmer. Mostly everyone was hung over, and Gabriel made breakfast to cure such a thing. Some people decided that the best way to avoid their hangover was to drink through it. This party included Dean, to which Sam was not surprised.

Sam didn't know how to tell if he was hung over. "Do you feel like you've been run over by a bus?" Gabriel asked bluntly, handing a pile of toast to Cas to pass out. 

Sam shook his head. "Just a little fuzzy."

"Good news: you're not hung over!" Gabriel announced.

Sam nodded and accepted the coffee that was pushed into his hands. Everyone was slower to wake up today, for obvious reasons, and slower to get to the beach. Some people didn't even make it to the beach. Gabriel kept up his mother duck ambiance all day, handing out copious amounts of water and sunscreen at the beach. Most people returned to the house for lunch, and napped before dinner.

Sam took his nap on the hammock on the large balcony on the upper floor. He had found it last night, and made a mental note to come find it again. Gabriel discovered him after long, asleep. "Can I join you?" he asked, waking Sam from the lightest of sleeps. Sam only nodded, and shifted so Gabriel had room. He left his arm out, curling it around Gabriel as he settled. The two fell asleep like that, Gabriel curled warm against Sam's chest, Sam's hand in Gabe's hair.

They didn't wake up until Cas found them. "Hey! It's almost dinner time," he said gently, shaking the hammock. "You guys have been out since noon, time to get up."

Gabriel yawned and stretched, rolling off the hammock. "Yeah, dinner sounds like a good idea," he said, blinking the sleep from his eyes. "Good nap, Sam."


	13. MDW Part 2

After dinner was another night of drinking, but Gabriel was particularly fed up with how rowdy everyone was being. Another two people had vomitted before Gabriel could even finish his first drink, and he was not having it. It seemed that Gabriel's cheerful attentiveness grew weary after a while, and he lost his temper a bit after someone who wasn't coming forward kicked a hole in the wall. Gabe had disappeared momentarily, and when Sam had stumbled downstairs to grab a sweatshirt, Gabriel emerged. He had a drawstring bag on his back and a beach blanket in his arms, and he asked Sam if he wanted to take a walk with him. Sam went without question.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked once they were far enough from the house that they didn't have to worry about being seen. It had been dark for some time now, rounding on 11 o'clock at night.

"To the beach," Gabe said.

"The beach is the other way," Sam argued. He wasn't too drunk to be tricked by directions, he had established a clear sense of where things were in relation to each other the first day here.

Gabriel frowned. "No, a different beach. One we won't be caught on. Come on, the beach by the boardwalk? Did anyone think we weren't going to get caught?"

Sam shrugged. He knew nothing about beach towns, except that they were always the same, and that in most places, unless you were on a panninseula or an island, the beach was only in one direction. He didn't argue though, as he followed Gabriel down the darkened streets, to the very highend part of town. They were close to the bridge they had come in on, that carried them over marshland. Sam recognized the bridge, stretching across the night sky in a streak of concrete. He followed Gabriel past a row of the nicest houses Sam had ever seen, with flat screen TVs in outdoor lounges, and jacoozies the size of swimming pools. They crept quietly along the sleepy street, guided by streetlights, and into the dunes at the end of the road.

Gabriel turned to him then. "My father used to bring us fishing here," he explained. "Remember? And we never caught anything because we were too busy playing in the sand."

Sam did remember. "It's different now," he said.

Gabriel nodded soberly. "Used to be bigger," he said, walking into the dark, through the valley the two sand dunes created. "Now it's a private beach for the rich people, and opposite one of the biggest harbours in town. And it's an excellent place to stargaze."

Sam follwed Gabriel onto the beach, removing his flip flops when the sand got too loose. Gabriel walked by the moonlight alone, a nearly full moon shining bright above their heads, and Sam followed close behind, careful not to trip. Once Gabriel had decided on a spot, far enough from the houses where they couldn't be seen behind the dunes, he laid out the blanket and prompted Sam to sit down. Sam sat obediantly, and Gabe sat next to him.

Gabriel unzipped his bag and unrolled a towel to reveal a 6 pack of beer. "Aren't you not supposed to mix drinks?" Sam asked.

"Beer before liquor: never sicker. Liquor before beer: you're in the clear," Gabriel said simply, cracking open a can and handing it to Sam. Sam took it and sipped cautiously. "It's like that snake thing. What is it? Red touch black..."

"Red touch black, a friend of Jack. Red touch yellow, you're a dead fellow," Sam  
said, unsure.

"Right," Gabriel said. "So we're good. Red touch yellow."

"No, you want red touch black," Sam pointed out.

"Whatever, whatever. Point is, we're fine."

They were fine. They had a great time on the beach. They sat quietly together, enjoying each other's company. Sam loved how peaceful it was. It was almost dark enough to see the milky way, if the moon weren't so bright, and the sounds of the waves lapping against the shore, and the boats in the harbour across the way rattling together were comforting and soothing. His toes were in the sand, alcohol was burning in his stomach, and his and Gabriel's knees were touching. Nothing could top this. Well, a lot of things could top it. But Sam was unspeakably happy nonetheless.

They traded storied from the years they'd lost, none of which either of them would remember, and Gabriel had continued his tirade of asking Sam about his sexuality.

"Do you like boys?" he'd asked again, after a static moment of silence.

Sam swallowed hard. "Yeah, boys are fine," he said again, repeating his previous answer. This time he was less sober, much less sober, and alone with Gabriel, so much less cautious by default.

"No," Gabriel said. "Do you like, like boys?" he asked.

Stealing himself, Sam answered truthfully. He told Gabriel that he was demisexual, and Gabriel accepted it with surprising diplomacy. He even seemed a bit relieved, but it could have been any number of outlying factors that could have been making Sam see what he wanted to see.

"What about you?" Sam asked, after his heart had stopped pounding. "Do you like, like boys?"

Gabriel considered how to answer. "I think... I think I'm starting to."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been... seeing things differently lately. I don't know, it might be nothing. But..." He bit his lip, and affection flared up in Sam's stomach. "I don't know. I don't want to label something I'm unsure of."

Sam understood completely, and before the conversation could stretch any further, they had finished their beers, and had to navigate back home without being stopped. It was nearly one in the morning when they left the beach, quiet but for the occasional glance, just to be sure of each other.

The house was mostly quiet when they got home, only a few people staying up in their rooms, being rowdy as usual. Gabriel was more drunk than Sam, so Sam helped him up the stairs and to his room. Gabriel threw his empty drawstring bag down and flopped into the bed. Sam turned to leave, but Gabriel caught his arm.

"You should stay here tonight," Gabriel said. Sam opened his mouth to argue but Gabe cut him off. "You'll wake up Charlie if you go back to your room."

"I won't wake up Charlie. And besides, I'd need to get my things anyway, which would mean going into my room, and you're so worried about me waking Charlie-"

"You don't need any things to sleep, Sam," Gabriel argued, and with that he complied. Sam turned off the light, stripped to his tshirt and boxers, and climbed into bed next to Gabriel, ceiling fan whirring, the cool ocean breeze wafting in through the window. Gabriel was watching him in the low light, honey eyes flashing. Sam was glad for the alcohol in his stomach; it made his anxiety and excitement more manageable, and kept him from embaressment, no matter the situation.

"You're right," Sam said. "I can't hear a thing."

Gabriel rose up on his elbow suddenly, bare chest dark against the white linen sheet. "Sam?" he asked tenatively.

"Yes?" Sam answered, suddenly so aware of how close they were.

"Can I... can I kiss you?" Gabriel breathed, so low Sam barely even heard him. "I want to see if I like kissing boys," he said, though he needed no excuse.

Sam nodded. "Yes," he said.

Slowly, so slowly, Gabriel descended to him, and after too many heart beats hovering in each others space, their lips met, slow and warm and cautious. Gabriel's lips were soft and perfect, and Sam was drunk with how he tasted. 

Sam had only kissed two other people in his life. The first was a girl named Jess he had "dated" as a child, though at 10 years old a kiss is only a peck, and just holding hands is scandelous. The second was a girl named Kayla he had met at summer camp when he was 13, who had thought she knew how to french kiss but was horribly mistaken. That particular affair soured Sam on kissing for a long time, and actually pushed him to consider his sexuality. Why hadn't he enjoyed that sloppy, inexperienced moment? Because he only wanted kisses from certain people. He understood that now. And now that he fully understood himself as he was, and he was kissing the person he'd longed to kiss for so long now it hurt, he was alive with it.

Unlike Kayla, Gabriel knew how to french kiss very well. Obscenely well, to be honest. Sam had little experience, and he still wasn't sure if he was attracted to Gabriel because he was attractive, or if Gabriel was attractive because Sam was attracted to him, but nevertheless, it was one hell of a kiss. Slowly, the tempo picked up until Gabriel was opening Sam's mouth and exploring inside. It was nothing like the first french kiss Sam had had, where it felt as if an eel had made its way between his teeth. It was soft and tender and passionate, all the things Sam had dreamed of. He had read in a book somewhere that if you are unsure about kissing someone, you should mirror the way they're kissing you. This seemed like good advice, and while Gabriel was more adventurous than Sam had been ready for, Sam was a quick learner, and figured out the ways Gabriel liked to be kissed quickly.

And as fast as it had began, it ended. The raging fire in Sam slowly sank to embers, and Gabriel released him.

"I'm sorry," Gabriel whispered. "I understand if this makes things weird-"

"No," Sam interrupted. "Don't apologize, Gabriel. It was nice. This doesn't have to change anything if you don't want it to."

"What about what you want?"

"Doesn't matter," Sam said, slurring his words, his tongue heavy from alcohol, his lips swollen from kissing. "This is a dumb reason to wreck a friendship. And an even dumber reason to go doing things you aren't ready for yet."

Gabriel considered him in the dark. He took Sam's chin in his hand and wiped a bit of spit from the corner of his mouth. "You're an incredible person, Sam Winchester."

"I know," Sam whispered, without humor, but Gabriel giggled anyway.

"You don't feel like I was using you?" Gabriel asked quietly.

Sam shook his head. "Nope. Should I?"

Gabriel ignored his question. "You're not best friends until there's a rumor you're gay for each other, I guess," he laughed.

"I guess so," Sam replied.

"Do you wanna start the rumor or should I?" Gabriel asked.

Sam laughed. "We walk out of this room together tomorrow morning and the rumors will be starting themselves."

"It'd be fun to instigate it, though. See what people believe."

"Goodnight, Gabriel."

"Goodnight, love."

They fell asleep tangled in each other, a mess of limbs and hot breath.


	14. MDW Part 3

Sam's imagination was inconsolable that night. He was vaguely aware of Gabriel wrapping himself around him, all of the places their skin touched on fire, Gabriel's warm breath and the physical thumping of his heart against Sam's side. Sam's lips were still raw and tingling from kissing and his entire body was flushed, perhaps from the godawful heat, but it didn't matter. He was happier than he'd ever been and he fell alseep to the sound of Gabriel snoring lightly in his ear.

And he dreamt of what might have happened if things were different. In his dream, no one was drunk and a kiss led to kisses led to... well, you get the idea. Sam had never had such a dream, or rather, he had never had such a specific dream like this. He was certain that Gabriel was in his dream, and his awareness in the dream was nearly lucid. In the same breath, it made sense that Sam would have a sexy dream about Gabriel as he slept with Gabe wrapped around him like he was a body pillow. Gabriel was the only person to date that Sam was certain could turn him on. Before Gabriel, any stimulation of this kind was not impromptu; Sam was bored and had to turn himself on. But now, Sam had almost no control. If Gabriel knew what he did to Sam... 

Disaster. It would be a disaster. Before now, Sam didn't doubt that Gabriel would be that friend that would explore a more intimate relationship with anyone if they asked. He just had no standing proof, and Gabriel was already such a fantasy in his mind that, to avoid disappointment, his best bet was to ignore that hunch altogether. But the game was different now. A new door had been opened and if Gabriel knew the full implications of how Sam felt, it wouldn't end as gracefully as Sam would like. 

Sam didn't think he'd be unkind, or even that he'd reject him. In fact, he felt quite certain now that Gabriel would probably consider a relationship with him if he asked. But Sam wasn't sure if he was ready for the world to know about any of this. He was still new to the whole sharing thing, and Gabriel was only just beginning this delicate journey. Sam didn't want to press him, and he didn't want to press himself. He wanted no stress, no flash, as little attention as possible. He knew, in chosing Gabriel, none of those things were likely, but he had to believe it would be worth it.

 

Waking up in Gabriel's room, in Gabriel's arms, was incredible. The room was hot and humid, the open windows fanning hot air in and around. They had kicked the covers away in the night, so only a sheet covered them from the waste down. The ceiling fan whined as it whipped around, not doing much of anything up there, just moving the warm air around in circles. Sam woke to Gabriel's body pressed against his, the bare skin of his chest against Gabriel's warm equally bare-skinned back. He watched the warm breeze ruffle Gabriel's golden hair until he stirred.

Gabriel's head listed, and his hand wrapped around Sam's wrist, Sam's arm still draped over Gabriel's chest. "Sam?" Gabe asked, lifting his arm so he could turn in the bed until he was facing Sam.

"Good morning," Sam replied, rubbing Gabriel's shoulder lovingly when he had finally settled. He couldn't help himself; Gabriel had taken steps Sam had only dreamed about last night, and Sam wasn't afraid. He was so comfortable here in bed with Gabriel. If anyone were to barge in on them right now, Sam didn't think he would be that upset about it. He might even laugh. Anxiety? What anxiety?

Gabriel rubbed his eyes and yawned. His golden eyes caught the morning light in an enchanting way, his honey irises glowing. The morning light made everything softer. "Did we make out last night?" Gabriel asked, taking Sam's hand, lacing his fingers through Sam's.

Sam watched him for a static moment. "We did," he confirmed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sure you were incredible, Sam, but you'll have to forgive me. I only remember bits and pieces."

Sam smiled. "That's okay." He thought about saying something flirty like "Maybe I can jog your memory," but he remembered how nervous and unsure (not to mention, drunk) Gabriel had been, and thought better of it. "Are you alright?" he asked instead.

Gabriel sniffled. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just trying to remember what happened last night, and how much I initiated."

"Well, you initiated all of it," Sam said quickly. "Do you want like a play by play?" Gabriel nodded, so Sam told him all that had happened.

Gabriel smiled weakly. "And did I like kissing boys?"

"You didn't specify," Sam said. "You just apologized, and I told you it was a dumb thing to ruin a friendship over, and its even dumber to do other things you aren't ready for yet."

Gabriel smiled wider. "Well, this puts me in a difficult position, see, because my goal before I got drunk was to see if I liked kissing boys, but I was so drunk at the time I don't remember. So naturally, the thing I should do is kiss someone while sober."

"All you have to do is ask, Gabriel. You've already got me in your bed."

Gabriel smiled with his eyes this time and scooched closer to Sam, nudging him with his nose. "Sam, can I kiss you?"

"Yes," Sam said quietly, and accepted the kiss.

It was a quieter this time, faster to start but it escalated slowly. Gabriel stroked his cheek and ran his fingers through his hair, and Sam's hands found his way to Gabriel's waist, and the smooth, warm skin of his back. Now that Sam knew how Gabriel liked to be kissed he wasn't so nervous, and he let himself be immersed in the moment. It wasn't dark out, there was no alcohol influencing either of them, the world was not fuzzy or disoriented or distant anymore. It was light out and the world was so incredibly real, and Gabriel was even realer against him, kissing and tasting and touching. Sam didn't want to think about what would happen as soon as they walked out the door. He just let the kisses roll over him in waves, sinking deeper and deeper and deeper.

When they broke apart Gabriel rested his forehead against Sam's. "I like kissing boys," Gabriel decided, giggling.

Sam smirked. "Me too."

"Are you sure this was okay?" Gabriel asked, sitting up some. "If it makes things weird or whatever we can talk about it."

"No," Sam insisted, coming out of all the softness of that moment in a rush. "It's okay, Gabriel. Unless you wanna talk about it. I don't see why it has to change anything unless you want it to."

Gabe squinted at him. "Do you want it to change anything?"

Sam paused and bit his lip, not looking at Gabriel. "Doesn't matter what I want," Sam said again. "I know I keep recycling my own lines, but I'm serious. There's no sense in doing something you aren't ready for. And if you're ready, if you want something, all you have to do is ask."

Sam knew this was dangerous, but it had always been dangerous. He would have done anything Gabriel asked even before Gabriel knew it, even before Gabriel was single. If Gabriel was going through the process of accepting himself, Sam needed to give him room, and he wasn't about to come on too strong. Sam knew he had a very high chance of heartbreak, but he was trying his best to not let things get to him as much as they normally do. 

Easier said than done, but he had to believe that he'd be okay suffering in silence if it mean Gabe was happy. Not everything was about Sam, he wasn't entitled to Gabriel just because they had kissed, just because they had bared their souls to each other. Sam's pining meant nothing, it never would, it wasn't heroic or romantic. Feelings mean nothing unless they're reciprocated. Sam hoped his diplomacy would make Gabriel feel more comfortable with him, but there was no way to tell who the guy favored. Sam held on to moments like this when he doubted himself. Hopefully there would be more moments soon.

Gabriel looked at him lovingly. "You're a gem, Sam. Seriously." Sam smiled and watched Gabriel climb out of bed and stretch. "Well, it's almost 10 o'clock. People will be up waiting for food."

"We can't keep the people waiting," Sam said.

"No, we cannot."

 

Sam wondered if it was something about the way Gabriel was or if it was something within his head that made the world so soft and bright this morning. Gabriel was known to carry light about him, in every meaning of the word. He had golden hair and golden eyes and soft golden skin dotted with copper freckles around his nose and shoulders. He was never exhausting to be around, every conversation, no matter how heavy the topic, was lighthearted because of how easy he was to talk to, which, as an introvert, Sam appriceated immensely. He was such a good conductor of his own happiness that he seemed to radiate this contageous aura of sunshine that had everyone smiling and sharing in his joy. He was everything Sam couldn't be in this way, but sharing those kisses and that closeness put Sam closer to Gabriel's light than he'd ever been. And when he pulled away he took traced of Gabriel with him.

The sun was soft shining through the glass sliding doors this morning as everyone assembled for one last breakfast. Sam's coffee was sweet and not a single bout of teasing bothered him. Everyone teased them when they emerged from Gabe's room together, hair mussed in the back, Sam in the same clothes he'd worn the day before, which he hadn't had a chance to change yet. Their tossled appearence was a result of their drinking, but everyone assumed it was more. Everyone was tossled, after all, the only reason anyone cared about Sam and Gabriel was that they'd clearly spent the night together, in some way or another.

Sam knew he shouldn't but he indulged himself in the teasing. The suggestion that anything more than what had happened happened shouldn't have made him as happy as it did, but he couldn't hide his cheeky smiles. Gabriel was known to have what they liked to call "fly affairs," which were relationships that lasted 15 days, (or the life span of a fly) tops. No one thought Sam would be a casualty of one, perhaps they assumed it would become something eventually, but they didn't know really what had happened. It was Gabriel's story to tell, really, and he enjoyed the teasing as much as Sam did. Gabriel was all about the angst, the drama, and he loved being the center of the conversation. They'd talk about this for weeks. They'd talk about the sexual tension between the two of them until something else happened. Sam was excited.

It was probably bad, right? Sam was letting all of this get to his head. He could accidentally let everyone know that his real feelings were indoctrined in this and then his inevitable heartbreak would be real and public and dramatized. Normally, he prefered a slow, quiet withering away in the shadows, let his feelings fade until he didn't feel a thing. But nothing is quite so quiet if Gabriel's touched it. And Gabriel put his lips all over this one.

It didn't matter. Nothing was going anywhere in this scandal unless both of them were perputrating it. Sam would let all of this be a build up of breath and he'd let the release happen slowly, as usual. There would be no pressure, nothing to make anything be pushed overboard to one side or another. He would go away quietly, or he would exist quietly. He refused to do anything else.

So when the time came, they left the house as loudly as they'd come. And Sam said goodbye to the best weekend of his life.


End file.
